It is February 22, 2004. Sunday Afternoon and I am killing time until church. Thinking about having a cigarette. So far only 2 today, 5 yesterday, 4 on Friday and Thursday, 3 on Wednesday and 0 on Tuesday. 10 on Monday and every day prior for 2 months. 2 packs/day until 15 yrs ago. Promised Anne (my sister) this morning that I would use my right hand and 5/day max. Quitting when I get out of this chair.

My God, how much I love Karen and the kids. At once, both my support and motivation. I couldn’t have made it this far without them, for sure.

Hello. It’s now the 23d. Monday. My aid this morning was Genie. Good as usual. We both agree that GOD has something in mind for both of us. She is very interested in the Ballinger house (a proposed brain injury respite). As am I. We both feel a great desire to help those who, like me, have lost it all, almost. And have the desire/need to get as close to better as they can. Our society just doesn’t have the resources necessary, yet. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is a special situation, with tremendous potential. According to several Doctors, I shouldn’t be writing this now!

Hey, the 25th. Missed yesterday. What a difference a day makes!! My aid yesterday morning was Mike. Very cool. It was the 1st time I dressed myself in bed and transferred myself to my wheelchair from bed, The 2d time was Karen and me about an hour ago. INDEPENDENCE!!!! FREEDOM FOR KAREN!!!! Wow, 2 years and 3 weeks from my accident. At once, a very long time and also not long enough for some things. Will have to work on it before we move the chair next to the bed at night though. Back to Mike. Yesterday, he told me he was going on vacation, to Florida, for a week, something personal/family that he had to do. I told him that when he got back, I would be an ex-smoker. His last words to me were “see you Tuesday”. Since it was Tuesday, that meant 1 week. He also told me that he told the office that either they assign him to me or he would quit. He said they agreed? They called this morning and said “no aid” this AM, that Mike no longer worked there!!!!! Figure that one out!!! Hopefully this will all get straightened out in a week. Meanwhile, off to water therapy for me.

Water therapy was good, as usual. It is now the 27th, WARMTH!! It is now 47 degrees. The 10 day forecast has it above freezing every day, and most nights. Yesterday and today, I have gone out on the deck several times. Beats the garage for smoking. Yesterday, I saw the barn in the lot next door and was reminded that Jim (my golfing buddy) was going to fix it up for me. I called him for the first time in about 1 month. He is going to come over and look at it. Had my monthly doctors appointment this AM.. Everything looked good. He said my legs were probably going to stay a little swollen forever. Consequence of the blood clots and screens. Guess I had better get used to wearing these darned hose. We were going to check out day care today, but Karen got too busy, as usual. Guess we will try tomorrow. Chrissy is now officially diaper trained. Whew! Man, Karen needs the break! Went to Gymboree last night with Karen and Krissy. Cool as always. Man, it is hard to believe we did that with Carrie almost 11 or 12 years ago.

Hi, now March 5th. 1 week has gone by. It was a busy week. No word from Mike. Richard has taken his place and is good with therapy too. Water therapy twice, Steve was back. Went to lodge Tuesday. Saw Jim Wednesday. Brought him over here after therapy until 10 PM. Lots of computer. Stopped by Craftsmen Park on the way here to show Jim. Hope it works out for him this summer, mowing lawn. Gymboree last night, fun as usual. Weather is unusually warm. Right now its 70 degrees! Of course, very windy. Makes it a pain to go out in my chair. Forecast is 50/60 tomorrow and back to 30/40 by Monday and for the week. Beats 20!

Now it’s Thursday, March 11. Busy week. Walked at the Mall Monday. No Rotary , I went to the library with Karen and Kristen instead. No lodge either, bible study instead. Therapy was good, as usual. Steve really worked on my right arm. Neil Young is tonight! Terry, a former aid, is taking me, Neil is not one of Karen’s’ favorites, unlike me. Can’t wait for Terry to notice the changes since he last saw me. Lost weight, am stronger and more in control. Weather is as predicted. Today, hopefully, will be the last day of winter. Jim may call/stop by before the concert or tomorrow/Saturday. Richard says he believes I will be able to walk this Summer/Fall. Dare I hope? I started keeping track of my cigarette smoking.. 6/7 yesterday and probably 9/10 today, too many. The concert is a good excuse though. My goal is 6/7 per day 3 days per pack. Used to be ½ pack/day.

Thursday, March 18. Yesterday was Carrie’s 15th Birthday. We went to the Olive Garden for dinner to celebrate. She is so awesome. Reminds me of myself, except the stubborn part, Chrissie got that. Jeannie was my aid yesterday and today. I showed her something I am happy with, my ability in the last couple of days to wiggle my left toes (a little). She was very happy too. The mind is an amazing thing. Therapy yesterday. Steve couldn’t be there because his father-in-law died unexpectedly, very sad. His fill in was good though, same one as a month ago. She remarked very positively on my progress in the last month. Cool. Got Juno for Jim, prepaid a couple of hours. Hopefully, today we will be able to golf on-line instead of him having to be here! Way cool! He was here Monday and worked his ass off. Painted the basement stairs, cleaned up outside, and lots of little things. Good for us and him! Weather took an unexpected return to winter. 7 or 8 inches of snow in the last 2 days. Supposed to melt by Sunday though. Hope it does. Counseling this AM and Gymboree tonight. Hopefully golf this afternoon? Told Jeannie of my desire to speak/counsel to patients at Edwin Shaw. I made it on my own, but what about those who may need a little encouragement? The Doctors will play it safe, as usual, and tell everyone to expect the worse. And then there would be me, a living/talking/walking (?) vegetable! If I can help/motivate 1 person/family, I’ll be ecstatic.

Friday, March 19. It is 5:30 in the AM. I woke up at 5:00, wet. Unfortunately, I fell asleep last night trying to pee in a pee bottle and it spilled in the bed. I still got 6 hours of sleep though, unlike Karen. She cleaned me up, cleaned the bed up, and went to bed upstairs. What a trooper. She didn’t even complain, said only “pee happens”. I shared my journal with Ray (my counselor) yesterday. He thought it was a good idea, both keeping it and sharing it. Guess my need for privacy has gone the same place as most everything else, out the window. He suggested I add how I felt about the things I write about, we’ll see. Last night was Gymboree. Chrissie loved it, as usual. I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to get Jim up on Juno so we can play games together over the internet without being together. I figured it out and called him to find out his modem is apparently broken, news to both of us. I’ll try and have John Strong fix it Saturday. Maybe then? Oh well. It’s now 6:00AM,, time for a smoke (½). I have gone to smoking ½ a cigarette many times. 3:00. Just back from Gymboree/art and it was cool, as usual. Visited the hobby/craft shop while we were there. Thinking about a doll house for Chrissie. Is she old enough? 6:00. Personal touch just called. No aid either tomorrow or Sunday. Bummer. That is until Karen got the idea to call Terry. An aid from some time ago that I really liked and who really liked me until he got a better job. Remember Neil Young? That Terry. Anyway he said he would/could fill in. Cool!! 7:40. Just had dinner with Karen and her dad. Steak, GRILLED OUT. Mmmm. Now a movie and cards. 9:05. Karen and her dad are finishing the movie. Karen won at cards, barely. Can’t wait to show Terry how much I have improved over the last few months. The concert was great, by the way. Cool thing was, the door to the van froze shut and Terry had to load me into the van in the front seat for the ride home. First time in 2 years. Wasn’t that hard, by the way. I was able to help a lot more than in the past. Karen even was able to do it the next day too. Van door is fixed now, Oh well. Back to the back seat, much easier on both of us. Tomorrow AM Terry gets to read my journal. Beat Karen at cards one last time before bed. It is now 11:30. Time for a last cigarette and bed.

Now it’s Saturday, March 20. The last day of winter. Spring starts tomorrow. The snow in the yard is melting, should be gone today. It’s raining and 40 degrees. Terry was cool, as usual. Lots of catching up. Looked at concerts at Blossom. He had some good ideas for work for Jim. Looks like we will be able to use him going forward. No Workers Comp because the agency he works for is not Workers Comp certified., so it will cost more but Terry offered to take a small pay cut to offset it. Point is, he is now available.

Sunday, 1st day of SPRING!!! Terry just left. We are going out to Brunch with my mom and sister, Anne. She is in town to make plans for my niece’s wedding. After that, Jim is supposed to come over around 1:00. We have church at 5:30. Busy day. 9:30, just back from church. Freak snowstorm. Really bad in Akron. Jeannie tomorrow. Can’t wait to show her how much I can wiggle the toes on my left foot.

Monday, the 22d. Jeannie this morning. She was real impressed by the amount of movement in my toes and that I could feel them very good., which I could not before. Unsure of who my aid will be the next 2 days. No water therapy this week, they are cleaning the pool. Karen plans to make up for it though. To start with, we are walking with my walker here this afternoon with my sister, Anne. 12:30, almost lunch time. Killing time. Talked with Jeannie this AM again about what I could do to help someone at Edwin Shaw. She thought sharing my journal would help some, to give hope to those without as much support as me. Cool thing. One of my fellow board members at the Ballinger House, the rep from Joni and Friends, was at church last night. She came to our group after services. Turns out we go to the same church. Karen knew this, but I had forgotten. The last board meeting was at Amer Cunningham (my firm). We are trying to show we are separate from Edwin Shaw. We decided at the board meeting to have our next one at the Chapel. Wow, just counted, I have 3 full pages in my journal for the first month. Started slow, but as I get used to it, my training as a lawyer is coming through, very verbose.

Tuesday, the 23d. Bummer, I went to share my journal with Rich (my aid on Tuesdays) and realized I had accidentally deleted it. Good thing I printed it for Anne & Walt yesterday! Now Karen just has to (she volunteered) retype it. Rich read an older version though and liked what he read. It is now 11, time for Rotary. It’s now 5:30. Rotary was cool. AAA did a presentation on Travel In Ohio. I came home, had a smoke, and later Karen reminded me that I had agreed to practice standing after each smoke and quit by the end of the year. I have had 2 since and stood each time. Like it. Want to lower the hand grips a couple inches though. Will help me stand longer, less strain on my left arm/hand. Thinking about quitting smoking before the end of the year. That’s how serious I am about walking. Just got done with my Bible study homework. Class tonight. Best stuff I have read in a while. Focus was on people/relationships between the “strong” Christian and the “non” Christian . Was more about people in general than I have seen in some time. Very true/accurate and cool. Feel like I am less “at risk” for being Christian. Good stuff. Just got back. It’s around 9:30. As I thought tonight was cool. Gone for 4 hours though. Worth it.

Wednesday the 24th. No water therapy this week. The pool is getting its annual cleaning. Hair cuts are the agenda, mine, Karen’s and Kristen’s. Just finished lunch. It is now midnight. Not only got my haircut, but also fixed my journal, which required retyping a third of it or more. PHEW!!! Glad that is over with!

Thursday the 25th. Jeannie just left. Good, as usual. Talked with her at breakfast about helping those who have “slipped through the cracks”. So many people with TBI just do not fit into the societal definition of “normal”. One thing about Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), it definitely does not discriminate. I want to go to Edwin Shaw and ask them for their “tough” cases. Those who just do not seem to “fit in”. I think these are the greatest risk/reward cases. I only hope I can handle it. Went to Buhler’s last night, saw their motorized carts and remembered how much I used to like going with Karen because of the carts. I forgot, but until last July, my chair was not motorized. Lots more work for Karen for the first 8 or 9 months. Again, thank you Workers Comp. It is now 4:00. No hose today. Jeannie commented this morning before putting them on how normal my legs looked. She didn’t know it, but I had no hose on yesterday, they were not clean. Maybe they cause more problems than they solve? So I am trying today without them. We’ll see tomorrow. Gymboree tonight. Looking forward to it. Just back from Gymboree. Weather is 65 degrees. Checked out the doll house. Looks good. We are going to see it tomorrow. Karen said my legs felt swollen. Darn. Will make sure tonight. Printed the journal for Karen. She has not read it since Walt was here. We’ll see what she thinks. She not only liked it, she thinks I should share it with Edwin Shaw now? Guess that’s one way to find out if I can help others with it.

Friday, March 26th. Yep, legs were swollen. Back to the hose. Victoria this AM. Had her proofread the journal. Only a few minor changes. Good. Gymboree at 12:20. Looked at dollhouses again. Karen didn’t come, she had to come home. One I want is on sale till next Wednesday. They are even open on the weekends, who knows? Also saw a couple of things that interested me. Model airplanes that actually fly, also, remote controlled ships. Cool on the pond? Now it’s 5:00. Raining but supposed to be a nice weekend. 50's,60's and partly sunny, mild winds. Can’t wait. Karen is napping. Carrie is babysitting (I think/hope). Finally figured out the new pay per view. Karen couldn’t. Can’t wait to show her. Maybe we will watch something tonight? 8:15. Karen had to take Carrie somewhere, so dinner got delayed. Any minute now. Can really feel my toes in my left foot now. Can’t wait to see how/if it helps me walk. Feeling so good about it, I now really believe I will be able to walk. This Year. COOL. Just need to build up those muscles again. Feeling my right arm more each week too. If, God willing, I can pull this off, the only strong/permanent effect of my accident may be my right eye. A muscle controlling the retina got detached and grew back/reattached wrong. That’s OK though. A permanent/constant reminder of how fragile life is and how we take it for granted. I can only see good through my left eye. The right is OK, but blurry. So I now squint. If that, a limp, my hose and lousy memory are all I have to live with as a result of all this, THANK GOD!!! Dinner is over. Chicken. One thing I haven’t talked about here is my weight. Gained about 40 or 50 pounds after the accident. Went on a diet 2 or 3 months ago though and, so far, have lost about half of that. Karen got gestational diabetes when she was pregnant with Chrissie and the doctor put her on this diet. It is a good one that she has used since. Now, I am using it. So far, so good. Weighing less is very important in my situation. Especially trying to walk again.

Saturday - March 27th - Victoria this morning. Good as usual. She read the changes to my journal and liked them. I told her it was OK to share it with her hubby. Not confidential anymore. She also feels it would be good/helpful to share it with patients at Edwin Shaw. Has an uncle who is in a wheelchair and feels it would have been good for him in the beginning. We are going to Montrose shopping for Carrie this AM/PM. Jim is coming over tomorrow. Claims he is making so much with his current job he is no longer interested in mowing at the Park. Good for him. Just back from Montrose. Staying home from the play tonight, so Carrie & her boyfriend are coming here instead. 5:00. Felt like I was a partner today instead of a passenger. 9:00. Karen stayed home too. Just got off the phone with Jim. Cool, He is coming over tomorrow with a friend to get rid of the trees in the lot next door which came down over the winter and to measure it for the fence for the new horses, a pony for Krissy and 1 for a friend who has promised to help pay for the improvements.

Sunday, March 28 - Victoria again. Good, as usual. Reread Friday. Should have mentioned that, because of a scheduling conflict with Gymboree, Thursdays, I had temporarily stopped going to my support group at the Chapel. Too bad because that support group has Ray Tenney in it. He is the one I give credit for my decision to do water therapy. Apparently, he had been in a bed on his back for several years. But someone suggested water therapy and after 6 months, he was walking, with a cane but still WALKING. So, after hearing his story, decided to try it for myself. Good decision. Has been great for me. Just goes to show how important support groups can be. Thank You, Chapel and Thank You Ray. 8:45. Jim is supposed to come around lunchtime. Victoria suggested adding the following. This morning she said how proud I should be of how far I had come and how much work its been. My response then and now is I should take no credit for it, GOD is responsible, got that feeling strongly while I was in Edwin Shaw. 10:30. Karen just left to take Carrie to work. Yesterday she was, and hopefully today will be, going to the music store to replace the G string that busted on my guitar. Playing the guitar has been, and will be, one of my passions. Got too busy to play much for the last 15/20 years, but have always liked it. Learned to play when I was a kid. Now, I think it would also be good therapy for my right arm. One of my fantasies has been/is to play on stage during church. They have a great Christian rock band at the Chapel. I can strum (not much else) with the best of them. 4:00. Jim just left. Him and a friend cut up the 2 trees in the lot next door. Gave him a copy of my journal. Waiting now for Church. Talked to him about Church. Said he would come with us sometime in the next few weeks. Weather was great today. 70 degrees and sunny! 69 now! Supposed to rain later in the week though. 10:50. No church. Karen wasn’t feeling well. She beat me at cards though. Tired, to bed. Water therapy tomorrow.

Monday, March 29th - 4:00 PM Slowly, Slowly but surely. Water therapy this AM. Measured my left ankle and the angle had improved 2 or 3 degrees. Cool. No change in my right arm though. Focus in last week has been my ankle. Can’t forget my arm. Very little change in my walking too. Bummer. Have to wait and see if there is any improvement in my mall walking. May take all summer, but, I am going to walk this year. Thanks to my stubbornness. 8:00. Jim called and said he had just finished my journal and was very impressed. Karen’s’ Dad and her friend, Amy, are over and stayed for dinner. They are filling out a survey for our bible study. Has to be done with “ non” church goers. Lost my temper filling out the survey. I was/am right handed and the accident mainly messed up my right side. Always very hard to write, anything. 9:00. Karen’s’ dad just left. Karen, Amy and I watched a movie.

Tuesday, March 30th - Rick this AM. Good. Updated him on my journal. Had Rays at 10:00. Shared my journal with him. In its’ entirety. Good.. Rotary at 11:30. Good presentation on OPEN M program. Came home and did the survey for Bible Study, with Karen’s’ help. Now it’s 3:30. One of the guys from Indian Princesses was at Rotary and gave me his e-mail address. I wanted to (and just did) share my journal with those guys. I met/camped with those guys and Carrie for 4 or 5 consecutive years before my accident and then just disappeared. I am sure they heard what happened to me. But Carrie is too old now. However, looking forward to doing it with Chrissie when she is old enough (1 and ½ years). The tribe we started back then is still in existence. A couple of the same guys, but mostly younger guys. 7:00. Am thinking about quitting smoking now. Will help me walk. That has to be/is my goal #1. 10:00. Did it. Had Karen get me THE PATCH. Tomorrow is day #1 without cigarettes. We’ll see.

Wednesday, March 31st - It’s 10:00 AM. Getting ready for water therapy. No smoking. Victoria this AM. Good. Tomorrow is April Fools day. Therapy was good except we had to take off the Patch. Put it back on after but it didn’t stay. Looked for replacement but they were misplaced. So I broke down and had a couple of smokes before bed. Try again when we find them.