Chaplain's Corner

February 2006
 

Depression, sadness, melancholy, grief, the blues: These and a host of other feelings engulf us at different times and seasons in our lives. Often they hit without warning, as in a brain injury. At other times divorce, declining health or the loss of a loved one brings our world crashing down. If you’re like me you will resist exploring the pain for as long as possible. Or as a 15th century theologian said it, “We resist experiencing the dark night of the soul.”

Have you ever felt like no one, not even God, is listening to your cries for help? In the past year two major shoulder surgeries and their aftermath have turned my life upside down. Chronic pain has been a reality in my life for at least six years. Right now as I am typing, the pain minimal. Yet it’s morning and the stress of the day hasn’t hit yet. Besides having suffered a TBI many years ago, I have this rare shoulder problem which has grown progressively worse. Good news is that my right shoulder is recovering well, albeit slowly. The not so thrilling news is that I go back under the knife in mid May where the surgeon will attempt to do in one surgery that which took three operations on the right shoulder. I have gone on disability, lost my job and the ministry I love, and recently have become separated from my wife. I often feel as if I’m in a bad dream that keeps getting worse.

Now, my sharing is not meant to depress anyone. It is simply life for me right now. Many positive things have happened in the last five weeks. For instance, I am sitting in the living room of a high school friend who opened his house for me to stay. I’m reconnecting with old friends who are kind and loving. And the bed I’m sleeping in now is so much more comfortable than the Murphy bed which came down from the wall in my last apartment.

Waiting is not one of my greatest virtues. After TBI, I expected to wake up one day and be completely well. Hah! It took several years for that dream to die. Then my first marriage failed after six years. And it appears that this one is on the rocks. After I have cried “enough”, let God know just how unfair I think He is, and spewed out enough anger, I always return to the cross. This is where I can confess my sins, receive forgiveness for myself, and offer it to others who have hurt me. See, it’s not my job to fix things or try to foretell the future. The only way for me to find freedom and relief is to lay down my embarrassment, anger, frustration and depression—laying it at the feet of Jesus. I’m doing just that, making myself vulnerable. I am welcomed into His enfolding arms. My confidence is renewed and there comes an assurance from deep in my heart that all will be well, as I trust in Him!

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